Funny quotes
Wit from Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Ambrose Bierce and other professional mischief-makers, plus definitions from a dictionary written by a cynic. Old jokes, still landing.
The library has 1,527 quotes on this topic. Here are 60 of the most quoted, no more than four from any one writer.
60 funny quotes
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Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, in Pudd’nhead Wilson -
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar, in Pudd’nhead Wilson -
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.
Mark Twain Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar, in Following the Equator -
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
William Shakespeare Twelfth Night, Act I Scene 5 -
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
Oscar Wilde The Importance of Being Earnest, Act II -
Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
Oscar Wilde Lady Windermere’s Fan, Act III -
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice -
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?
Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice, 1813 (Mr Bennet) -
You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come; Knock as you please, there’s nobody at home.
Alexander Pope Epigram -
A jest’s prosperity lies in the ear Of him that hears it, never in the tongue Of him that makes it.
William Shakespeare Love’s Labour’s Lost, Act v. Sc. 2 -
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde Lady Windermere’s Fan, Act I -
The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Oscar Wilde The Importance of Being Earnest, Act I -
How much lies in laughter, the cipher-key wherewith we decipher the whole man.
Thomas Carlyle Sartor Resartus -
’Tis an old maxim in the schools, That flattery’s the food of fools; Yet now and then your men of wit Will condescend to take a bit.
Jonathan Swift Cadenus and Vanessa -
He knew what’s what, and that’s as high As metaphysic wit can fly.
Samuel Butler Hudibras, Part i. Canto i. Line 149 -
For rhetoric, he could not ope His mouth, but out there flew a trope.
Samuel Butler Hudibras, Part i. Canto i. Line 81 -
Doubtless the pleasure is as great Of being cheated as to cheat.
Samuel Butler Hudibras, Part ii. Canto iii. Line 1 -
He that complies against his will Is of his own opinion still.
Samuel Butler Hudibras, Part iii. Canto iii. Line 547 -
Satire or sense, alas! can Sporus feel? Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?
Alexander Pope Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot, Prologue to the Satires. Line 307 -
Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent.
Jonathan Swift Thoughts on Various Subjects -
Often, the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.
Mark Twain Following the Equator -
It would be argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest for ever.
William Shakespeare Henry IV, Part 1, Part I. Act ii. Sc. 2 -
I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.
William Shakespeare Henry IV, Part 2, Part II. Act i. Sc. 2 -
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport: when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. The distinction between Crime and Justice is no greater.
George Bernard Shaw Maxims for Revolutionists -
Crime is only the retail department of what, in wholesale, we call penal law.
George Bernard Shaw Maxims for Revolutionists -
So, naturalists observe, a flea Has smaller fleas that on him prey; And these have smaller still to bite ’em; And so proceed ad infinitum.
Jonathan Swift Poetry, a Rhapsody -
Assassination on the scaffold is the worst form of assassination, because there it is invested with the approval of society.
George Bernard Shaw Maxims for Revolutionists -
Property, said Proudhon, is theft. This is the only perfect truism that has been uttered on the subject.
George Bernard Shaw Maxims for Revolutionists -
Two faces which resemble each other, make us laugh, when together, by their resemblance, though neither of them by itself makes us laugh.
Blaise Pascal Pensées, No. 133 · translated by W. F. Trotter -
Fingers were made before forks, and hands before knives.
Jonathan Swift Polite Conversation. Dialogue ii -
Laughter, holding both his sides.
John Milton L’Allegro, Line 32 -
Prepare for rhyme—I’ll publish, right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
Lord Byron English Bards and Scotch Reviewers -
End: the position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.
Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary -
Reasonable: accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary -
Critic: a person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.
Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary -
Martyr: one who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.
Ambrose Bierce The Devil’s Dictionary -
Never risk a joke, even the least offensive in its nature and the most common, with a person who is not well-bred, and possessed of sense to comprehend it.
Jean de La Bruyère -
Society would be a charming affair if we were only interested in one another.
Nicolas Chamfort Maxims and Thoughts, No. 66 · translated by William G. Hutchison -
In great actions men show themselves as they ought to be, in small actions as they are.
Nicolas Chamfort Maxims and Thoughts, No. 24 · translated by William G. Hutchison -
A poetaster asked Chamfort’s opinion on a couplet. “Excellent,” he said, “were it not for its length.”
Nicolas Chamfort Maxims and Thoughts, No. 89 · translated by William G. Hutchison -
It is unfortunate for men, fortunate perhaps for tyrants, that the poor and unhappy have not the instinct or pride of the elephant which does not reproduce itself in servitude.
Nicolas Chamfort Maxims and Thoughts, No. 109 · translated by William G. Hutchison -
Sewing at once a double thread, A shroud as well as a shirt.
Thomas Hood The Song of the Shirt -
Of all the griefs that harass the distrest, Sure the most bitter is a scornful jest.
Samuel Johnson London, Line 166 -
As Tammie glow’red, amazed and curious, The mirth and fun grew fast and furious.
Robert Burns Tam o’ Shanter -
Satire’s my weapon, but I’m too discreet To run a-muck, and tilt at all I meet; I only wear it in a land of Hectors, Thieves, supercargoes, sharpers, and directors.
Alexander Pope Satire i., Line 69 -
No one is more profoundly sad than he who laughs too much.
Jean Paul -
Satire’s my weapon, but I’m too discreet To run amuck, and tilt at all I meet.
Alexander Pope Satires, Epistles, and Odes of Horace, Satire i. Book ii. Line 69 -
Pleasure or malignity often gives ridicule a weight, which it does not deserve.
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield Letters to His Son -
And generally, men ought to find the difference between saltness and bitterness. Certainly, he that hath a satirical vein, as he maketh others afraid of his wit, so he had need be afraid of other’s memory.
Francis Bacon Essays -
Remember, that the wit, humor, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield Letters to His Son -
All general reflections, upon nations and societies, are the trite, threadbare jokes of those who set up for wit without having any, and so have recourse to commonplace.
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield Letters to His Son -
The overturn of Mary of Medicis into a river, where she was half drowned, would never have been remembered, if Madame de Vernueil, who saw it, had not said la Reine boit.
Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield Letters to His Son -
Their heads sometimes so little that there is no room for wit; sometimes so long that there is no wit for so much room.
Thomas Fuller Holy and Profane State. Of Natural Fools -
The fickle pensioners of Morpheus’ train.
John Milton Poetical Works -
Martin, if dirt was trumps, what hands you would hold!
Charles Lamb Lamb’s Suppers -
Satire should, like a polished razor keen, Wound with a touch that’s scarcely felt or seen.
Mary Wortley Montagu To the Imitator of the First Satire of Horace, Book ii -
Not body enough to cover his mind decently with; his intellect is improperly exposed.
Sydney Smith Lady Holland’s Memoir. Vol. i. p. 258 -
I like the laughter that opens the lips and the heart, that shower at the same time pearls and the soul.
Victor Hugo -
The ridiculous is produced by any defect that is unattended by pain, or fatal consequences; thus, an ugly and deformed countenance does not fail to cause laughter, if it is not occasioned by pain.
Aristotle
Who wrote most about humour
- Ambrose Bierce 634
- Oscar Wilde 251
- Jonathan Swift 88
- Nicolas Chamfort 74
- Samuel Butler 72
- Mark Twain 61
- George Bernard Shaw 48
- Henry Ward Beecher 47
- Sydney Smith 37
- Charles Lamb 21
- William Shakespeare 18
- Thomas Hood 15